There are probably more than five. There are probably hundreds. Especially when you’ve spent a day with a laptop, David Gray’s greatest hits and only produced one worthy sentence. Still, here are five of the top ones:
- ” I see you wrote a book. Congrats! My friend’s husband’s niece’s dog wrote a book on the offchance on his day off and became an instant bestseller, garnered glowing reviews and is now up for the Booker. But please, tell me about your book?”
- “What is your book about?” Tricky one this, people might be divided. But, essentially, anyone asking you this question is wanting you to summarise the book – effectively reducing your hard and painstaking labour – so they don’t have to read it. This question is best answered with a riposte I once heard Will Self give: “What is my book about? It’s about 400 pages.”
- “But like, people don’t really read books anymore, do they?” “Only the illiterate ignorant fools like yourself.”
- “Of course anybody can be writer these days. All you need is like, the internet and social media blah blah blah it’s easy.” N.B. Not everyone can be a writer; many people simply don’t have the crippling self-doubt needed to qualify.
- “So you’re a writer? Can I have a free copy of your book seeing as I’m such a good mate?” “Seeing as you’re such a good mate, why don’t you buy one?”